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| The "there" I am referring to is when you know what you want, but you can’t admit it to yourself just yet. Many reasons prevent people from getting what they want, not just in the realm of sexual fantasy, but especially for those whose tastes run a little left of center in that department. Maybe you’ve repressed your desires, maybe you act them out in subtle ways, or maybe, just maybe, you’ve already come clean and experienced the magic of getting what you want. Why stay hidden? What’s the benefit? |
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| Every one of “us” has a moment. If you haven’t had yours yet, it’s OK, it will come with time, if experiencing your true desires is what you really want. This moment is the time when any “freak” declares to themselves, “Enough hiding, enough fantasy, it’s time to take action,” opening themselves up to a breathtaking world of possibilities. |
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| Sometimes this moment can be overwhelming. What does one do with all of that sheer energy? Newbies to any BDSM community can easily fall into the wrong crowd, get hurt both physically and emotionally, and experience wild emotional highs and lows due to the endorphins that topping and bottoming bring. |
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| With any luck, when your moment came, or when it comes in the future, you will find people who have been as supportive and helpful as our friend, Mayumi, did. She was once just like you. Her desires for total bondage, submission and even to dominate were well hidden behind her long brown hair and petite figure. But once she unleashed her true desires, she became a force to be reckoned with, both as a top and as a bottom. Mayumi’s story could be your own, if you open yourself up to what you really desire. |
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| If you’re already out there, exploring your deepest fantasies, then let Mayumi’s story simply be a reminder to you that achieving your true desires and reveling in your uniqueness is something to be proud of. |
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| Mayumi In Her Wonderland |
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Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking away so that other people won't feel insecure around you...
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fears, our presence automatically liberates others. |
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~ Marianne Williamson |
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I appear quite normal, don’t I, on the left? I could be anyone you know. Lurking inside of me all my life was the desire to become what you see on the right: a totally submissive sex slave at the mercy of my master. |
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| NO TURNING BACK |
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| Of course, dear, I was scared shitless. |
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| My heart was thumping so fast, and my knees felt like they could buckle at any moment. It was on a chilly evening in September, 2002. Against my body’s strong protest, I climbed the stairs of the Pyramid Brewery in Berkeley where I was attending my first BDSM Munch. |
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I had to face my fear of getting the things I wanted most in life. Ironically, before I allowed myself to experience the pleasures of BDSM I felt very restrained, but in being physically restrained I now feel very free. |
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| I knew a gate to my new life path had been opened and there was no turning back. Only by overcoming my fears could I hope to free myself and expand my horizon of possibilities. I was doing exactly that, albeit in complete ignorance of the process. |
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| But why? |
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| My LOCKED SECRET |
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| My first BDSM-related fantasy happened sometime early on. I wanted to bend over an exercising bar and be spanked by boys. Not knowing what naughty or bad was, I always played my favorite game: provoking boys and being chased, caught, and pinned down. |
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This has always been one of my favorite positions. I find both comfort and fear in the vulnerability it brings me. I enjoy looking down into the cage where I might go afterwards. |
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| The exact time my innocent fantasies began to get repressed, I can’t recall. By the time I learned about sexual pleasure, my fantasies had turned to dry rations stored in a box deep inside me, which I grabbed and fed to my mind to trigger orgasms when needed. I never enjoyed my orgasms, I never tasted them. I could not let myself know that I had rough fantasies, and desires to be overpowered and treated as a sex toy. |
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Though I had repressed my dark fantasies well, this is what I always wanted to be. It just took a long time for me to get there. I love the strict feeling of this harness, which locks away my pussy yet feels so pleasurable as I struggle in my bonds. |
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| This self-deceit mechanism had served me well, enabling me to survive in Japan where I grew up. Japanese culture appears to have a lax attitude towards sex; there is an astonishing number and variety of commercial sexual outlets to satisfy every nook and cranny of mens’ fantasies - from Soapland where you get bathed, massaged, scrubbed and “relieved”, to Shojo-shumi magazines featuring nubile women. But what was available for women? |
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Me dressed as a Japanese schoolgirl. The sexual culture of Japan is geared towards men getting everything they want, but as a woman I felt left behind. |
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| A working man’s favorite complaint is that a “sexual wife” is a burden, detrimental to family life, work and raising children. The messages for women are very clear: either become a sexual creature and cater to men's desires (and be looked down upon), or stay asexual and have an ordinary life with education, career, and a marriage role as a caretaker and mother. |
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| Did it work for me? Yes. Without being conscious of the patriarchal society's manipulation and conditioning, I took the "ordinary life" choice. But alas, something within me was screaming strongly and explicitly, "This is not me and this is not where I belong!" So I expressed my feelings in the same way your early American ancestors did --- "Mom, Dad, I'm going to America!” |
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I knew I would find some type of freedom in America, I just didn’t know exactly what it would be when I came here. |
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| Once I was in the land of freedom, the first 6 years were spent integrating into this totally foreign culture. The next 6 years were spent in a marriage. Then, in March of 2001, I had my own personal Black Monday. |
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| COMING OUT |
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| I was talking with a good friend of mine, after a night out on the town. He confided in me, "You know Mayumi, what I really like is rough sex and BDSM porn.” |
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Finding out that I could get what I wanted and still live my regular life was a life-changing revelation. |
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| I swear, when I heard his words my world crashed in around me. This intelligent, kind, wonderful man has a BDSM fantasy! To me, that was the “OK” signal I had been seeking; I could be a “pervert” and still be respected! My marriage practically ended there. For the first time in my life, I realized that there were labels for my socially unacceptable thoughts: BDSM, rough sex fantasy, bondage and submission. |
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I wanted hard bondage and I couldn’t get enough of it. |
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| The door to my secret “Pandora ’s Box” was flung wide open. But soon after, confusion, isolation, and despair settled in. I didn't know what to do. My fantasies were now welling up uncontrollably, and all I could think about was becoming a sex slave. I didn't know who I was. I felt weak and helpless. The monster I had kept hidden all these years had finally managed to escape, and it was very angry --- nearly eating me alive. I desperately looked for resources, connection, and assurance. |
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This was my first experience being bound and restrained on film. It was a very special moment for me in my BDSM journey. |
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| Through the internet I found BDSM munches and parties, and met many like-minded people who were very respectable, intelligent and authentic. With full force, I plunged head-first into BDSM, identifying myself as a bottom, and started to play. Acting out repressed fantasies was such an aphrodisiac; for the first couple of weeks I was wet 24/7 and masturbated dozens of times a day, unable to calm myself. |
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My desires, once unleashed, were nearly overpowering. Luckily I was able to find people with similar tastes to introduce me to new things and guide me along the way. |
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| The guilt and shame around this kink which was driving me to incredible orgasms was a double-edged sword, cutting me and tearing me apart from the inside out. I was in tears and in a panic. My emotional drop after bottoming was horrible, both physically and emotionally. I joined a fem-sub mailing-list, and after sharing my experiences I was told I was in a "feeding frenzy" and should "take little steps". |
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From simple handcuffs to full leather restraint, bondage was like an addiction for me. It was all I could think about. I needed to learn how to slow things down and take my BDSM journey step by step. |
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| Not long after curtailing my first seemingly uncontrolled exploration of BDSM play, I met a wonderful male switch who was incredibly educated, intelligent and socially respected. He was very open, and even smiled about his kink. Imagine that! He never pushed his play agenda on me, but instead told me all about the pleasures of being topped. As he talked I thought to myself, "Hmm…I can imagine myself doing all that, and it sounds wonderful!" |
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| MORE DOORS TO OPEN |
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I didn’t know if I would enjoy topping, at first, but it really fit my dominant personality. I no longer had to hide either my dominant side or my submissive desires. |
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| Topping was an ecstatic experience. I was intoxicated by pride and personal power, having this very attractive man on all fours in front of me! It was a joy to figure out his emotional “buttons” and create a play scene using that information. Creating this scene resonated well with my artistic side as a professional writer. Our play scene fulfilled me with the assurance and acceptance I’d been craving. |
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| In Japan, I was told I was too strong for my own good. Too strong to be loved by Japanese men, that is. So, I tried to repress this dominant side of my personality, as well as my submissive sexual nature. But here was a successful and capable man in front of me, who was attracted to my strong and controlling personality. He told me I was sexy and beautiful, both in helpless bondage and when I overpowered him in my square business suit! |
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I gained confidence and learned a lot by topping. One of my favorite memories is walking my “pet” around in public at the Folsom Street Fair in San Francisco! |
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| I was also fortunate to have my first caning by a very experienced top. He taught me, "Pain is just one sensation. Don't judge it as bad. Don't be afraid of it." I was sure I did not enjoy pain. Pain was bad. Enjoying pain was sick. But his teachings allowed me to feel and see pain from a different perspective. Pain is just like fire; it can be a horrible thing that destroys you, or it can create and forgive. Another previously closed door had opened. |
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Waiting for the delicious kiss of the cane. |
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| Things started to happen. My friend Mark was looking for bondage models he could photograph for his website Serious Bondage, (where you are probably reading this article), so I volunteered. The pictures you see in this article are from our shoot for his site. Would I have modeled for him 6 months before? No way. But when I did it, I enjoyed it very much. I wanted to open another door: to overcome people's judgments of my actions. |
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Submitting takes strength and confidence. I had to work to find that. |
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| The same thing happened when I was offered a service slaveship by a man. He said, “I see strength in you already. All you have to do is to connect to it." I said to myself, "Who am I, and what does he see in me?” When I posted this concern to Mistress Steel’s e-mail list, a person replied to me, ”It seems common that people, especially women just coming into the lifestyle, have self-image & self-esteem problems. However, I have seen many over time come to recognize their inner strength & beauty, and watch their self-esteem & assurance grow within the lifestyle." Apparently all I needed to do was stop giving in to my "deepest fear" and embrace my strength and worth as it is. |
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Here I am, in a happy place, with a leather arm binder, my schoolgirl skirt tossed up showing my cute white panties, with a metal spreader bar keeping my legs apart as I struggle on the floor. |
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| Tiny step by tiny step, slowly but steadily, I was accepting a large part of myself which I used to feel ashamed of, tried to deny, repress and hate, because others in my past didn't like it. Through BDSM I am reclaiming my own self. I started to truly like myself; this body, mind, soul, and my own kinky sexuality. I could fully appreciate myself, and others could appreciate me as well. I started to stand tall and smile, showing who I am and sharing it, expressing it. Now I know that beauty is not what others decide but what I myself have to recognize. Yes, I am beautiful. |
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I feel beautiful, confident and safe in this lycra hood with a tight collar around my neck. The world can just fade away around me as I sink into my bonds. |
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| THE VAST FRONTIER AHEAD |
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What do you think of my true self, the one who can stay happily hooded and chained in a cage one day, and the next dominate a scene? I am happy with how my decision to move to America turned out. |
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| Little did I know when I came to America that this would be the journey I would embarked upon. Little did I expect that my sexuality would blossom and I would "feel" beautiful for the first time in my life. Thank you to all the friends and play partners who have enriched my life and guided me to where I am now. I ride on the monster that once controlled me, soaring high and reaching far. I am free. I feel the courage to explore this new frontier ahead of me. |
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| And most importantly... I am very proud of myself. |
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| Note: This is the very first article I have ever written in English, although I am a professional writer in Japanese. I'd like to thank Mark and SeriousBondage.com for all their help and support and for allowing me to express myself to you all. |
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