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lan
Selby, the founder and original driving force of
the Mister S leather company, passed away on Sunday,
May 2nd, 2004, at his home in the city |
| of San Francisco. |
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| This proper English gentleman
arrived in San Francisco in 1979, and since that
time has had a major continuing impact on the Bay
Area's leather community, local AIDS organizations,
the global BDSM community, and on the creation
of this web site. |
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| I first met Alan in 1988, when
I became a member of San Francisco's premier BDSM
club, the Society Of Janus. He was a gay leatherman
who presented occasional programs for the club,
even though Janus was, predominantly, a heterosexual
organization - but with strong ties to the gay
leather community. |
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| His personality
and charm always reminded one of the 'man about town',
even though he was nearly always attired in leather pants
or chaps and a leather vest and cap. He probably should
have been dressed in a tuxedo, given his ambassadorial
way, but he was true to his own feelings. |
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| Alan had a quality about him that made everyone he met
and talked to feel as though they were a special person
in his life, and were a welcome addition to his large
group of friends. He always had a smile and would greet
you with respect and charm, making you feel as if you
were a high ranking diplomat. |
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| I
maintain a great respect for Alan's untiring contributions
to the gay leather community, particularly in San
Francisco, and his unstinting energy and selfless
drive in the fight against AIDS, and raising funds
for its eradication. |
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| He impacted many lives in very special ways,
and first touched mine in 1989, when I presented
my first educational bondage program for Janus.
Although he wasn't there for the presentation he
somehow got word of it and its success. From that
time on, whenever I went to the Mr. S store, he
always greeted me with a big smile and a very heart
warming," Ah! Mr Burnley, so nice to see you!" |
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| Then, to add even more to my
feelings of being accepted for who and what I was,
to say nothing of feeding my ego, he would turn
to anyone standing nearby and say "Do you
know this man? He's an expert in bondage, from
The Society of Janus." |
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Alan
Selby (left) and Richard Hunter |
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| Needless to
say, Alan was a master at the art of flattery,
but nonetheless, his continued compliments and
praise of my efforts boosted my self-confidence
in all sorts of ways, and I became more and more
knowledgeable as a BDSM player. Mr. S, with its
store full of bondage equipment, supported my insatiable
appetite for some of the more esoteric bondage
gear as a consequence, and allowed me to explore
my own kinky universe even more than had been possible
before meeting him. |
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| As
time moved on, I met Richard Hunter, the man who
had purchased the store from Alan. Richard turned
out to be a bondage gear-head like myself, and
as a result I was able to achieve what I loosely
describe as 'critical bondage mass' in my life.
When this happened, it allowed all of my previously
closeted interests to come to full bloom, and my
life has not been the same since. |
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| In closing this personal obituary
to a wonderful man, I would ask that Alan, in which
ever happy place he may be, accept my heartfelt
thanks and gratitude for opening so many doors
in my life. I will always remember his smiling
face and charming British demeanor,
with both fondness for a genuine human being and
respect for his giving works. |
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| The following is a personal
and spiritually insightful essay about Alan, written
by Richard Hunter, the current owner of Mister
S Leather. |
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| The
'S' in Mr. S stands for Selby. Alan, who just passed
away Sunday morning May 2nd, here in San Francisco, was an
example of what being a Leather man could be. He
was generous, compassionate, open, friendly and
funny. He got most of his pleasure from helping
others and Alan never felt it was a sacrifice to
take time to make sure somebody else got what they
needed. |
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| A few months ago Alan came into
the Mr. S store to pick up a donation from us for
an event he was involved in. As we were talking,
Alan started to have a hard time breathing and
started to gasp for air. We quickly got him settled
down and got him some water and in a few minutes
he seemed to have gotten his breath back and was
doing OK again. |
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| I
asked him if he wanted me to help him get
home or to the hospital, even though he was
seemingly doing alright now. |
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| He smiled and said, "Oh
No, I still have a few more stops to make
to pick up more donations." |
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| I tried to insist and
told him that maybe now was the time to start
taking care of Himself and let someone else
do some of these errands. |
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| He
looked quite seriously at me and said, "Richard,
this is what I do, this is what keeps me
going." And so off he went to finish
collecting donations for an auction for a
fund raising event. That was Alan Selby. |
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| But Alan wasn't only doing
fund raising and community stuff. Alan was
still having sex with boys, even at age 74.
God Bless him and his spirit. He could talk
about the Old Times with you, but he was
also still very much living in the Present
moment and enjoying his life. |
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| Alan was 75 years old
when he passed away from complications from
emphysema. Even though he had stopped smoking
many years ago, the damage to his lungs had
already taken place. |
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| Alan
started Mr. S Leather in San Francisco back in
1979 when he came to the U.S. from England. He
ran it until 1987 when he sold it to one of his
employees, Doug Deal. Doug kept it running for four
years until I came out to SF and took over in 1991. |
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| Alan loved helping people and
right up to the end of his life he was visiting
hospital wards and bringing food to people
who needed it. He loved charitable work and collected
thousands of dollars for many of the AIDS organizations
of the Bay area. He was always out there in the
community doing something to make things happen. |
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| Mr. S gets asked for donations
almost every day, for every contest and every event
that happens around the country. We can't contribute
to all of them, but Alan was the only person I
could never say no to. He had that effect on everybody
as far as I know. His energy was always Up and
Positive. A wall in his home had a hundred framed
Proclamations and Certificates of Appreciation
from all kinds of charitable groups and government
officials. He had received lots of awards over
the years for all the work he had done to help
people have a better life. |
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| Alan
also had a title as: San Francisco Leather
Daddy. I asked him once what number Daddy
was he? He said, "I'm the Original Daddy
here, the first one." (some-thing he
was very proud of) |
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| But he Was what a real
Daddy is - and didn't need a title vest to
prove it. A Daddy is Strong, Confident, Supportive,
Respected, and looked up to by his family.
He's there when you need him and he works
hard to make sure everybody else is alright,
sometimes even to his own detriment. Alan
pushed himself all the way to the end to |
| help
others. |
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| It always made me feel
good to know how happy he was at how his
legacy in starting Mr. S had not only been
carried on, but had grown to what Mr. S is
today. He was very proud of Mr. S. The Leather
community worldwide will miss him and his
example of helping others and just being
a really nice guy. |
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| I remember going
to him when I came out to SF and asking him what
the story was about some of this Attitude I was
getting from some of the Old Guard here in San
Francisco. He laughed and said "Oh, don't
worry about it deary, these same people never liked
me either, they are just unhappy about everything.
Don t let them get to you. You just do your thing." And
so I did just that. I liked Alan right away after
that. |
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| Alan got out of his sick bed
just before he died and insisted that he wanted
to go to the Aids Emergency Fund annual awards
dinner. He had never missed one and if he was still
alive, he wasn't going to miss this one either.
His friends got him a wheelchair and Tony took
him to the event. It gave everybody a chance to
say goodbye to him for the last time. Before he
left the party, Alan wanted to have his Fortune
told by one of the physics there. Now that's Alan,
always seeing the optimistic side of things. |
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| Sitting
by his bedside a few days later, he decided to
stick around a little longer. He asked me what I
though it was like on the other side and if he
should be afraid. He wanted to know how long it
might take, once the process had started. |
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| I told him that it was probably
up to him as to when it might actually start, and that
when He decided to let go he would then start to
make the transition, and that the more he was able
to relax and stay open to the process, he would
just drift off. If he could try and not hold on
but just let this all go it would be much easier.
Everybody here was going to be alright and he could
go now, when he wanted to. |
|
| That seemed to help him relax
and he smiled and said "Thank you." As
to worrying about being afraid about what's
on the other side, I told him that someone like
him didn't need to be afraid of anything . "A
man like you Alan, who has been there for so many
others, doesn't have anything to be afraid of." |
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| I
asked Alan if over all these years of being in
the SM scene had he ever Bottomed? He said "No,
I actually hadn't ever gone bottom, never felt
the desire to." I guess I looked a little
surprised and said with a smile, "Well Alan,
this is the Big Bottom scene for you and God is
going to Top You. He's a pretty good Top, so you
won t have anything to worry about, but there are
No Safe words this time, so just surrender and
let go and enjoy the trip." He didn't laugh
or frown, he just looked at me straight in the
eyes. It seemed a moment of truth. Before we left,
as he hugged Richard Lester, who was there with
us, he said, Well my friend, I guess I'll see you
on the other side of the bridge. |
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During
the last two weeks before Alan died, many
of his closest friends came to see him
and say goodbye. He passed away at home
with some of his closest friends holding
his hands to help ease the transition. |
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| Goodbye
Alan. Thanks for your Love and Advice over
these many years. I'm sure all the guys that
You held their hands, as They died, will
be there to welcome You into your next journey.
Daddy Alan was one of the Good guys and all
of us will miss him. |
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| A celebration of his life
tribute will be held at the San Francisco
Eagle Bar on Saturday May 22nd, 2004, from
2PM to 7PM. Come join with all of Alan's
friends to toast and celebrate the life
of a truly wonderful man. |
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| Richard Hunter |
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